


Letters to Them

by viiixel



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: #8DaysofAxel, 8daysofaxel, Also this is way more angsty than I'm used to writing so here go yee haw, Gen, Just lots of lea guilt and introspection, Kairi isn't in this very much just as a heads up, Saix and Roxas are also briefly mentioned, slight KH3 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-16 01:03:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19307485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viiixel/pseuds/viiixel
Summary: A traitor to all, even those he cares about, Lea tries to start the process of making the amends he owes to all those he hurt.





	Letters to Them

**Author's Note:**

> #8DaysofAxel (2019) | i: Traitor  
> [#8DaysofAxel Site](https://sites.google.com/view/8daysofaxel)
> 
> SLIGHT KH3 SPOILERS
> 
> Hi this hurt me to write, but man does Lea have some owning up to do to people. I really want to expand on the letters Kairi writes and how Lea could use that process as well, but for now, here's this! 
> 
> I'm sorry for any errors, thank you for reading!

“Axel, helllooo?” 

Lea blinked, his vision coming back into focus to see Kairi’s hand waving in front of his face. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been zoned out, but it was clearly enough for Kairi to look at him with more concern than he was comfortable with. 

“Kairi, sorry, guess I was just thinking,” Lea said with a slight laugh, a sudden breeze chilling the wet tracks on his face. Raising one hand, he touched his cheek and pulled his hand away to see his glove glistening. So that was why she looked so concerned. Hurring to scrub the tears away, as if he could erase her seeing them, Lea looked away towards the setting sun to try and compose himself a bit. 

“Thinking…” Her voice was soft as she moved to sit next to him, Lea scooting over a bit to make sure there was enough room for her on the rock (and then some, he was still uncertain how to act around her).

“Have you thought about trying to write your own letters, Axel?” Kairi’s question was asked softly and Lea wasn’t sure how to feel about the kindness in her voice. “They’ve been really helping me connect with Sora and Riku…” Lea glanced towards her, eyes widening when he noticed she was holding out her notepad and pencil to him. 

“Thank you.” Lea murmured as he hesitantly took them, daring another look her way only to be greeted by a soft smile. One he really didn’t deserve but he would make sure to tell her sorry again later. Someday he’ll catch up to all the apologizing he had to do. 

“It’ll help,” She assured and Lea watched as she stood and dusted herself off. 

“Oh and Axel?” His mind had already been wandering back to the place he kept finding himself caught in, but her voice once again brought him back to the present. 

“Yeah?” 

“It’s okay to cry, especially if it makes you feel better. It’s not good to hold them back, so promise you won’t.” 

Kairi gave him a small smile as she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. Once again, a strange feeling -- as if there was something he couldn’t really remember tugged at him. That, and the fact that she looked so similar to Naminé when she tucked her hair back like that, was enough to give his heart a painful squeeze. 

Recovering and blinking, Lea was taken aback as he fumbled to try and reply to that. He couldn’t, so he just settled for an awkward ‘Thanks’ and nod as she walked off (he assumed to give him space, though he hoped he hadn’t made her uncomfortable). 

Waiting until she was gone, Lea glanced down at the pad she left with him. He could see the faint impression of writing, a letter to Sora or Riku, but he tried not to pick out any of the words. Her words about the letters being mostly for her ran through his head and he had to wonder how much it really helped. 

_ “Suppose you just have to do it yourself and find out, huh?” _

Moving to cross one leg over the other, Lea balanced the pad on his knee as he lightly tapped the pencil against it. The soft noise joined the sound of leaves rustling around him and he zoned out for a moment as he struggled to figure out what to write. 

Many of the Organization members kept journals, as far as he knew, and he remembered taking time to quickly scribble down thoughts and ‘feelings’. He wasn’t sure of the reason the others kept theirs, but he knew that he wanted his to last as some record of himself should something happen. That way he wouldn’t be gone completely. 

This was different from that, though. For the journals he was writing for his eyes only and while he knew Kairi had no plans to send her letters off, the thought of writing to the people he missed was giving him pause. 

Maybe it was because those people were the ones he had hurt the most. The ones he betrayed time and time again. Lea knew his sins, knew that he was easily a traitor to everyone that came within his path and coming to terms with that had been harder than learning to wield the keyblade. 

The light sound of the point of the pencil breaking off took him out of his thoughts. Lea looked down to see small shards of graphite across the paper and when he brushed them off they left smudges. With a sigh, he examined the tip of the pencil to see if he could write with it still before setting it against the paper. 

He’d just try not to think and go for it. 

_ ‘Dear Roxas’  _ No, he wouldn’t use ‘dear’ what was he doing? Lea shook his head and erased it, tapping the pencil again before exhaling slowly. 

_ ‘Roxas,  _

_ I don’t know how to start this or what to say. I don’t think there’s enough paper here for everything I want to say to you and others and this isn’t my notepad so I can’t use it all, _

_ I’m sorry Roxas. You deserve more than what you got. From me, from the Organization, from everyone…’  _

Lea paused, his breath catching as the memory of one of his and Roxas’ last fights ran through his head. 

**_"What makes you so sure? I have a right to know who I am! I deserve those answers! Are you gonna tell me or not? Axel... Who am I?”_ **

A tear slipped down his cheek as he heard the words being yelled at him again, the drop falling and staining the paper. He remembered the way Roxas’ words pierced him and his reasoning to hold his tongue for his own selfish plans to be safe. He wasn’t foolish enough to ignore the reality of the situation that he had dug them into, but he wasn’t going to lie to himself and deny that he used his friend just as much as the ones he had thought he was protecting him from. 

_ ‘I wasn’t a good friend. I wasn’t honest with you…’ _

**_“If I can't get answers here, I'll get them somewhere else. Somebody knows where I came from. That'll be the person I trust.”_ **

_ ‘I know the excuses I can tell you, the reasons I did everything. Still, they weren’t right. They weren’t treating you like a person, instead it was all for my own wants. I’m sorry Roxas, more than anything. I want to be able to tell you that to your face, but I can’t even face Sora knowing the hurt I caused you-- both from me and my actions.  _

_ I’m sorry Roxas, I can’t say it enough. It won’t ever be enough to make up for it all.  _

_ I’m still being selfish, but I miss you. I miss laughing and eating ice cream with you. I never told you but you reminded me of what it means to be human, to be me, when I thought I was so far gone. I never thanked you for it, I hope I can.  _

_ I hope we can get to you, just so you get the chance yourself to choose your friends and steer your life. I want nothing more for you, you deserve that much.  _

_ Axel.’  _

As he set the pen down, Lea wiped at his face. He understood why Kairi did it now. Even though it felt like his heart was breaking into two, seeing a small portion of the things that had been eating him up outside of himself lifted some of the weight off of his heart. Lea wasn’t sure if he felt closer to Roxas like Kairi said she did to her boys when she wrote, but he was glad to be untangling the complicated emotions he’s been pushing down. 

Carefully, Lea tore the pages he wrote his letter on out of her notebook and folded them up to put in his pocket. Again, he was left staring at a blank page, his heart thudding as he thought about the next person he wanted to write to. 

His feelings about the way he treated Roxas were one thing, the feelings towards everything that happened between him and Saïx he’d been pushing down since he last saw him. Thinking about it sent an anxious little hum through him, but he tried to push past it to get some of the thoughts on paper. 

_ “Saïx,  _

_ I don’t really know how to start this. What do I even say? I am tired of making excuses to myself, to trying to justify what I did. It’s so easy to think that what I was doing was right and that you lost yourself, but that’s because I didn’t want to think about how my abandoning you led you down that path.’  _

**_"You have changed....Does the past mean nothing to you?"_ **

Lea squeezed his eyes shut, a harsh sob rising up and tearing through him. As he wrote the emotions steadily rose to the surface until they broke and he could barely see the words on the page anymore. Lifting his head, Lea looked out towards the sunset as he slowly composed himself. 

He didn’t know if he deserved to be upset as he did, when he was sure he hurt them far worse than how he was hurting now. As he thought that, some small voice that sounded suspiciously like Kairi’s chastised him. 

“Man, emotions are icky,” Lea muttered to himself, his voice shaky as he looked down at the paper with his half written letter. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to finish this one. If he had been worried about his apology taking up too many pages for Roxas, there was not enough paper for all the things he wanted to say and apologize for to Saïx. 

He still had a lot to sort through, actions from both him and Saïx to think on. With Roxas, he knew where he stood, but with Saïx… 

Shutting his eyes, Lea saw the image of a smiling blue haired boy running towards the castle. He wanted to show him something, the two of them wanted to be heroes. 

Lea had told himself he was fighting to get that boy back, to get Isa himself again, but he realized that wasn’t right. They both accused each other of changing as if it was the final nail in the coffin of their friendship, but he had to wonder if it was inevitable in their situation. 

No, he wanted to get back the man he had left behind. Just like Roxas he wanted to give him the chance to be free and to feel and choose freely. 

He reminded himself that he wasn’t the one under Xehanort’s influence. As much as he wanted to get the chance to ask Saïx how much was him and how much was Xehanort, he knew that wasn’t the right way to go about it. 

With a sigh, tired of his own mind running the same circles it always did, Lea tore the paper out and shoved in his pocket. Without thinking too hard on it he simply wrote: 

_ ‘Isa,  _

_ I’m sorry.  _

_ Lea.’ _

He would need to untangle his emotions and actions later, but for now, he thought that was the most important thing to tell him. To tell all those that he hurt. 

He didn’t want to be known as a traitor anymore. He wanted to make things right, even if it means sacrificing his own wants to ensure those he hurt get their chance at happiness. It’s the least he could do. 

Giving himself a moment to calm down, Lea carefully ripped the page out before folding it to put in his pocket with the others. Exhaling slowly, he gave the setting sun one last glance before getting up to go thank Kairi. 

**Author's Note:**

> BOY OH BOY. Lea is a complicated person. I don't fully believe he's at fault, at least in regards to what went down with Saïx and all the things out of his control, but I don't think anyone can say he didn't /mess/ up bad. But that's always fun to explore! 
> 
> Feel free to hit me up on twitter: [@viiixel](https://twitter.com/viiixel)
> 
> Kudos and comments are very appreciated, especially if you read to the end and see this! Writing fanfic is often thankless at times so any support shown, especially comments, is very motivating. So please consider interacting with fanfic writers if you enjoy their work!


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